Thursday, June 16, 2005

Happy Bloomsday!

This is one of the holidays I always celebrate, no matter what, mostly by pointing it out to my students (if I'm teaching summer school) over and over and over. As in, "Let's look ahead at the syllabus. Oh, look at that, you have a paper due on Bloomsday!" Or, "If it wasn't Bloomsday, I probably wouldn't accept this late work." Or, "Yes, you may bring me gifts of cash and potted meats on Bloomsday."

Things you can do to mark this important day:
1. (an easy one) Sit calmly above your own rising smell.
2. Carry a bar of lemon soap in your pocket.
3. Eat kidneys and/or liver (you can do this for breakfast or lunch, but if at lunch, make sure you are in an unpleasantly crowded lunchroom. And you might want to get trapped in a political conversation that simultaneously irritates and bores you.)
4. Go to the museum, find a large statue of a naked woman, and ponder the oddness of anuses as you stare at her butt crack.
5. Masturbate at the beach. (You were going to do this anyway, weren't you?) Unfortunately, I cannot condone doing this while looking at a barely-teenaged girl with a limp.
6. Carry the following phrase in your head all day: met him pike hoses. Try to work it into casual conversation.
7. Drink a Bass. As you peel the iconic red triangle label off, worry about your wanton young daughter.
8. Visit a whore house. Find someone willing to put a leash on you and walk you like a dog.
9. Rememberyourfirstloveandhowhekissedyouandhowbeautifulyouwere

Have a good and hearty Bloomsday. You will, you will, yes, yes, you will.


Blogger Sfrajett said...

Yay margo! May I also suggest (if you run out of activities) that you might:

10. Have an affair with a well-endowed, alarmingly virile tenor

11. Throw a religious pamphlet into a river

12. Stand up to a bully

13. Make a new friend

Happy Bloomsday!

10:41 AM  

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